Careful What you Wish For...

It's late June. Dan, Jez and I sit around a pub clawing the labels of our bottles of beer. The tension is high. We have a holiday booked with no girls coming.

"Good night guys, leave it with me, and all of you pray!" I drove off into the now Jude Lawless-Primrose Hill.

2 weeks later, 5 girls had booked, elation seeped through the emails and texts between the 3 of us.

What fun it would be this holiday, turn to the left a girl in a bikini, turn to the right a girl in a bikini.

Mid July - On holiday...

"Seriously girls, we are going on a boat - at night, noone will see you!" I pleaded with them to cut down their getting ready to leave the house time to under an hour.

"But you only told us at 6 that we were going out tonight." They squeaked. The time was now 9.

"No, it's definitely your turn Jez" I said.

"Rubbish it is Dan's turn" He rebuked.

"Sod it, I will get them out this house - watch the master in action!" I stormed out the air conditioned room into the heat of the night air.

I returned some minutes later, "Ok I think we have time for a nap before we go out." Damn it.

The next day and every other day...

"You talk to them"

"No you"

"No you"

"No you"

"Paper,rock,scissors?"

"Done"

"You lose!!!"

"Ok here goes."

"Hey what are you girls talking about?" I feigned ignorance.

"Oh we are talking about relationships, do you want to join us?" The girls pull up a chair for me.

I bottle it.

"Ah I just got a call from a volvo engineer, he needs me to go to the boat immediately, so sorry, another time?"

"But it's 1 am!" She smelled a rat.

"Er er" Think fast Mark! "Yeah he must be on call" I tried not to laugh and ran off to the safety of the 2 boys.

No but seriously, the holiday was wicked. In a ten point summary..

1 - The number of engines we could get to work on the boat.

2 - The number of times I told the Spaniard who I couldn't understand to "Fuck Off" when he tried to deliver Kate's lost luggage!!!!

3 - Hundred Euros that Dan won playing poker.

4 - Large glasses of Sangria needed to drown out the girls talking of engagements and relationships.

5 - Boats surrounding us on all sides during the wicked blessing of the boats procession.

6 - The number of hours the girls would take to get ready.

7 - Schnitzels Jez could eat in one day.

8 - Hours Jackie could monologue for without stopping for air.

9 - Appetizers that the girls stole from everyone else, "Oh we don't want any!"

10 - Maximum number of girls we had on the boat at any one time.

Job done. Roll on 2006!

London Calling

What a week.

A plethora of emails from the other side of the atlantic, at first congratulating us Londoners on the Olympic bid and then worried emails about the terrorist attacks.

Most of my good friends know that it is rare that you will find me on a bus, still it was horrific to see outside the place I onced worked (BMA House) the walls were covered in blood.

And as I calculate it all the bombs went off within a couple of miles radius of where I live now. It was amazing though to see who your real friends were, people I hadn't spoken to in years emailed or called from abroad to check on myself and family.

And then you being to think of those that didn't bother to call, too busy maybe? Hmm.

I was angry to see that only in this left wing Country that we have become could we have Question time on BBC 1 the same evening that innocent dead bodies were being pulled out of bus and tubes, telling us that we should look at ourselves and our foreign policy to see why we deserved this!! Fucking outrageous. Yet another reason I should enter the world of centre right politics sooner rather than later.

I have no doubt that the muslim terrorists that conducted Thursday's atrocities were jihad fundamentalists and far removed from the teachings of islam, so please don't infer that I believe muslim people are in any way to blame. I don't think that for a second.

But I would contrast this with a firm belief that if jewish extremists were running around the Western civilized world blowing things up, the synagogues would be burning down as we speak and no speeches from a Jewish Council would help us!

And then this leads me on to the man I hate more than any other, the Mayor of London, Red Ken, what a complete hypocritical prick. Trying to make Churchillian like speeches, droaning on and on about Londoners and how great we all are.

Well it was a matter of weeks ago, when Mr Livingstone welcomed Sheik Yousuf Al-Qaradhawi, spending thousand of pounds of tax payers money to entertain a man who inspires nutters like those that blew up commuters on Thursday.

If he loves the Olympics and Stratford so much maybe he should go and live there, die there and even then I fear he would haunt us from the grave, raising congestion charge prices every year from the ground, if Maggie couldn't put a stop to that menace, who can?!

Thanks again to all those that emailed. Stay safe.